work stressness

hopefully i can finish my job by today..damn so stress...no boyfriend to share the pains...gaah...am i really desperate? urmm...i dont know lol....

share the pain with family is kinda put more flame into ashes..

share the pain with close friends..hrmmm..they tooo got problem..

share  pain with God,well i never hear he is directly speaking to me..

keep this alone..seems growing more virus and tantrum...while brain keep.thinking of suicide..

Dying or not..

My chest pain still trying killing me..not sure because of working in air-conditioning environment, or something else. Am i going to die? Not sure though. I wish I do, but as I'm writing now, so means that I'm still alive.

Apart of that, I missed mom really much. But seems she's hurted inside her heart with me; regarding to what had happened last weekend. I don't know what to do now. I just feel that die is better than living. I really dont get it, why I am still alive??? I'm not a good daughter, not even good sister, lazy worker, unfaithful servant to Allah, so why I'm still alive???I wish someone will save me from all these dilemma.

And now,NONE.

           Dear Allah, I am writing this, as I know that you're the one who will read this, not others. 

I know that I already being forbid from suicide, and due to that I'm not going to suicide. 

Can I die in happy way?If I died due to cancer, or accident, my mom would probably suffers more and I don't want that happened.

I'm not sure whether die before my mom or my dad or my brother is a wise decision, but now what I feel now is I'm suffering deep in my heart; thinking of leftovers memories, and also, I know, it's useless to turn down more weight, it's useless to pray to meet soulmate as I know I am kind of bitch deep inside mysoul, so to get good soulmate is never going to happen right?

The One who Dissappointing me is...ME!!

The one who disappointing me is me, not my exs. Because they can move on and I'm the one who is stuck with those feeling.

If not mistaken, I already prayed to Allah so that I am able to move on without having rebound or what so ever. But seems still not granted yet since the wounds suddenly swollen.

Dear Allah,
I am not angry at you since you always give me the best part in my lives.
I just want to get over these feelings,
I dont ever need this feelings any more.
I want to be happy.
I deserves happiness
Please, remove this feelings ASAP.

Best Regards,
Atika

My Heart has been Stolen by....GAME!!!

          Few days ago, I was so bored with Online Game of Ayakashi Ghost Guild but then I just randomly search new game in App Store.Hence  I found this game:Kingdoms At War.

In beginning I thought it would be just like other game..only myself alone playing.. Ayakashi is online game, but we just silent there; increase level, get more daemon cards, attack other in order to get seal stone.Then join big battle like En Garde' Guild Battle.

But then the moment I install the game, I opened and register name as limauh. In beginning I thought want to register with name ayakashi since I'm sooooo into that game. But then someone else has already using that name. Then I just remember that one anime move which really I deeply fans of; Kyo kara Maoh (God Save Our King). So I wrote my name as Limauh [supposed to be Limaoh but then I having typo (again???...damn...)]..so in beginning I just keep scout, attack and steal others. But then one person hired me [Ricu], so I leave the clan which I don't remember its name since I found nothing there. So Ricu invited me to join The Chosen Elite Clan. Starting with 'Hi' words in Clan Chat, I never expecting I have good friends there. Some closest friend like dark_t, bwizzle, ganthor, RockOut_withCaulkOut, lordoftheded and many more. Seems my life is not lonely anymore in Penang.

This game is so much excitement of Epic Battle (EB) like the Forgotten and many more. We will get more points during battle if we have more plunder from our allies. In the beginning, yes I do have 250 allies but then Ricu advised me to have less allies which have bigger plunder. So currently I only have only 1 ally and in progress of having another ally in mean time to ensure backup gold must be 1 Billion++ in order to maintain good perf during eb.

Usually when we play games, we only focus on the game, but in this game, we earn gold and fun together with our clanmate. Sometimes, there is fight inside cc, but it just cat-n-dog-fight; just like we quarrel with our sibling in prev. days.

I can't wait to join eb and cc today. Wish got more fun there today. I missed them already. Different country, different background, different races, different language but lovely moment we shared together.

That's all for today

p/s-A motorcycler called me wood and pig on road this morning; but i just ignore because i know if he's really good and educated, then he won't call me like that with his cheap and rotten bike.

Kan ku terima ilham akan jodohku...

Setelah ku rajuk hati...rajuk diri...mengenangkan ketiadaan kejumpaan akan jodoh...lalu masa berlalu...ad kalanya hati ini beku..ada kala jiwa bercelaru...keadaan berlarutan tak keruan...hingga ketahap diri terabai...makan x teratur...senaman harian ku tinggalkan...solat sekadat solat...didalam hati tersemat rasa yg berpenyakit...rasa kegelinciran iman...terhakis perlahan2...tabiat buruk y lama kuulangi...dan ketika itu...aku tersuuh zan padaNya...nauzubillah...

Masa berjalan lagi...aku semakin lalai dan leka...dosa bertambah...tinta iblis memekat dihati...sesekali ku jenguk juga youtube habib ali...namun kepatahan hati ini masih tidak terubat...

Ada waktu kucari teman2;mengharapkan inspirasi..namun tak kusangka punah kerana kali ini...aku dan kisah ku di jalanan sendirian...ku tangis keseorangan...

Ku hiburkan hati dengan berbelanja sakan...hingga baki savings ku RM200...dan aku kini kesempitan wang...ditambah pula shutdown kilang yg telau mencuri byk annual leave hingga potong gaji...hati fikiran jiwa dan segala2nya suntuk...

Hinggalah kesuatu hari yg biasa...namun suatu titik cerita cinta baru 2013...aku mencari koleksi lagu korean yang pernah menjadi OST drama2 yang pernah kutonton...terselit satu lagu drama korea princess ape tah...didalam lagu itub dmulai dengan dengusan/keluhan seorang pencinta lelaki yang mencintai perempuan yang tidak merasakan luahannya..pada mulanya biasa2saja kudengar...

Pukul 3petang...zohor tak sembahyang lagi..kerja di komputer ku hentikan seketika lalu bergegas ke surau.

Tatkala wudhuk kuratakan di tempat yang wajib tiba2 lagu itu teralun difikiran..dan tidak semena hati ini terdetik,"sedangkan wujud manusia yang serba kekurangan cuba menyampaikan cintanya pada gadis itu hingga ad keluhan pada lagu itu..namun aku ada Tuhan..kenapa aku mementingkan perasaan sendiri...tidakkah aku sombong dan angkuh akan kasih dan sayangNya.. Pernahkah aku terfikir Allah tak pernah give up untuk mmberitahu diri ini bahawa sentiasa dicintai sedalam2nya olehNya...subhanallah...

Sepanjang solat zohor,rasa sebak kian membuak..asalnya ku tahan...namun akhirnya menitiskan air mata...linangan demi linangan...

Kutahan dengan tarik nafas dan lepas berulang kali...bila tenang maka langkahku kembali ke pejabat...

Sepanjang kerjaku ketika itu...segala mp3 list ku buang kecuali lagu Ost itu...dan ku mainkan berkali2...

Habisnya OT pukul 8.30malam...aku menaiki kereta...dan lagu itu bermain kembali difikiran..hati tak keruan...air mata berlinangan...teresak-esak beristighfar;mengharap kemaafan kerana menafikan dan mengabaikan cintaNya...

Ya Allah...maafkan aku kerana tak nampak akan cintaMu yang tiada penat lelah..

Berkali2 kuucapkan kemaafan...sebak bertambah tiada reda...mata membengkak tiada semena...maka begitulah jalan raya...tidak semena2...langit turut pilu lalu hujan rintik bertalu-talu...rasa cinta Allah kian terasa...

Sampai dirumah...badan lemah tiada bermaya...rasa dihati berat untuk ditanggung...rasa serba salah.....

Maka filem memori dipasang kembali diingatan...satu persatu menujahkan diri...menyatakan inilah cintaNya padaku...namun ku abaikan...nangis tiada henti...

Kubuka internet...kubuka facebook...ada newsfeed dari pertubuhan ikram...kidengari...

Ya Allah...maafkan aku kerana bersangka buruk...sedangkan Kau hijabkan antara aku dan jodohku kerana Kau sayangi kami dan ingin lindungi kami dari kebinasaan...disamping itu..seharusnya aku ketahui dan sedar;tak semua bisa aku kawal dan tentukan..dan kerana insiden ini...maka terjawablah permintaanku pada suatu sujud yang suatu ketika dulu...yakni:

"Ya Allah...ajarlah aku apa itu rasa kehambaan kerana selama ini aku rasa hubungan aku dan Kau ibarat cinta kasih yang bukan seperti antara Tuhan dan Hambanya...aku nak rasa seperti hamba mukminMu yang lain yang takut untuk ketemu dengan Mu..takut untuk mati sedangkan pabila mati itu ditututkan,maka gembira bukan kepalang kerana hati ini berteriak' akhirnya kta dipertemukan jua setelah sekian lama'...aminn..."

Dan Allah makbulkan untukku...
Subhanallah...
Alhamdulillah
Lailahaillallah
Allahu Akbar...

Dan tanggal 21Feb 2013:aku mula mmbeli satu buku agama"salat empat mazhab"

Tanggal 22Feb2013: aku kembali menguruskan hal rumah...kemas bilik..kemas ruang tamu...sapu sampah setelah 3bulan tak bersapu...mop...cuci sinki...berus lantai shower room...kutip rambut2 yang gugur...buang paket2kerepek tepi bwah meja...susun semula dvd2 movies ....kibas cadar ..kibas selimut...spray ambi pur...lap meja...kain2 di lantai;yg kotor di bakulkan ke drying yard...yg bersih ke bilik depan...dan baru kuperasan aku kembali gemuk..tapi tak pe...aku akan turunkan berat semula...bukan untuk orang lain tapi untuk diri sendiri...

Tentang hati..alhamdulillah..hati semakin tenang...solat kian ada peningkatan...makanan lama di fridge kubuang...ke jusco dan kubeli stok makanan baru...ada lapang ku masih buka youtube namun kucari ilmu2agama melaluinya...alhamdulillah...happy sgt sekarang...dengan Allah..dah tak perlu risau....bak kata seorang ustazah,"jodoh cpt pn baik...lambat pun baik sebab Allah yang tentukan yang terbaik.untuk.kita"...sekalipun mama tak setuju dengan statement ini...biarlah..kalau mama tak puas hati...carilah untuk anak mama...ni tak...so..jangan nak komplen banyak sangat...saya sayang Allah lebeh dari mama..sorry ya...sejauh mana mama tak puas hati mama tetap tak boleh lawan kuasa Allah...dan kerana itu saya berpihak pada yang kuat yakni Allah swt...

Sekitan dari PencintaNya...

Selamat malam....

Aku tak faham..maaf...mungkin aku terlalu tulus meluahkan

Kata bidalan, org baik, jodohnya baik.

Nak jodoh baik, kena didik diri jadi baik.
 
Aku tadi merenung jauh jendela office, yang kemendungan, yang baru lembap2 basah dek hujan yg baru mereda.
Aku tertanya, apa yang sedang bersengketa dalam hati?

Kudengari petikan ini "Tidak Aku jadikan manusia ke muka Bumi ini melainkan utk beribadah".

Mungkinkah hati ini sudah dibajai dengan najis Iblis, lalu bila perkataan ibadah itu muncul, maka hati ini tiada lagi rasa indah.

Adakah kerana aku sudah berputus asa?

Aku pun tak konfem...

Aku dulu ok. Aku taknak cakap aku baik, sbbb aku manusia, masih ada kelemahan, kekurangan...

Tapi bila aku suka  orang berkali2, tapi suma punah, memang betul no ones until now ever touched me. That would be Alhamdulillah since i've never being touched by any guys.

But when it comes to fate and faith, honestly Ya Allah...i feel shiver 'lil bit..

i know i'm not good person. i know i'm kind of not ready with everything...but..

at least others, they do fell in love, then get married.

some of them, about 5-6 years, getting knowing of each other, then do preparation.

but me?

am i really a bad person? in hangeul, am i nappun yeoja?

kurundae,

na molla opsul sumida..

i want to die, if can

coz i feel that world doesn't want me
You doesn't want me,
guys does't want me.
might be,
my jodoh also doesn't want me...

maybe it's true

that i am really...jinjaa...nappun yeoja...

bian heyo Ya Allah...i cannot resist my feeling anymore about my fate.
Sorry again..

Still the Stiletto of Heart

In the midst of money,
which ain't no compared,
as the pain burning in chest
the sins has awaken,
as i thought it's dead,

soul pulled out,
soul turn back in,
heart keep burning
as it's wounded keep bleeding

sigh enough
tears awating
if he's not the one,
then why this heart?
beeping,
tick-tock-ing
thumping
hitting
kicking
inside this chest!!!!

i love you but you're with her
i wait but you leave
i patience  but you in hurry,
i'm in tears, but you in gally,

Once more,
this heart win,
win in losing myself in control
win in bursting my tears,
win in chest-pain-making
and
win in stop my time of life

so the stiletto stand still again,
though looks tough
but ain't no more beat,
as it's ain't no amendable.

Shit comes in whisper,
hell cursing by together,
damn as it could be you
but die as i could feel

Bad Man - Juniel (English Translation+Romanization+Hangeul)

English Translation:

I avoided my close friends and only looked at you
I learned how to cook for the first time and only waited for you
You are so mean, you are so bad
I did everything that you wanted
All day, I cried then laughed, like a crazy person
Did you want me to be like this as well?

Don’t you ever love again
Because you’re such a bad person
For the price of leaving me, don’t ever be happy
Baby I don’t like you I don’t like you
Even if you come back to me, I don’t want you
Baby I don’t like you I don’t like you
Even if you come back to me, I don’t want you

You are such a mean person, you are such a bad man

How can it be so painful much when there are no scars?
How can it hurt so much, as if I’ve caught a nasty cold
You are so mean, you are so bad
Was my innocent love that fun to you?
All day, I curse at you and hate you, as if I forgot you
But the more I do so, the more tears flow

Don’t you ever love again
Because you’re such a bad person
For the price of leaving me, don’t ever be happy
Baby I don’t like you I don’t like you
Even if you come back to me, I don’t want you
Baby I don’t like you I don’t like you
Even if you come back to me, I don’t want you

Sweet, sweet – even the sweet whispers of love
I didn’t know that they were all lies
I was still young so I believed everything you told me
And I regret that so much

You are so mean, you are so bad
Are tears the last part of love that you taught me?

I want to meet someone better than you
And smile every single day
Watch over the happy me from afar
Baby I don’t like you I don’t like you
Even if you come back to me, I don’t want you
Baby I don’t like you I don’t like you
Even if you come back to me, I don’t want you

ah oh oh oh du su su du ru su
Even if you come back to me, I don’t want you

You are such a mean person, you are such a bad man



Romanized:

Chinhaetdeon chingudeuldo pihago geudaeman barabwatjyo
An haebon yorido nan baeugo geudaeman gidaryeotjyo
Geudaeneun cham motdwaetjyo geudaeneun cham nappeujyo
Geudaega wonhaneun geon mwodeunji nan da haesseonneunde
Haru jongil uldaga useotdaga michin geotcheoreom
Ireon nae moseupdo wonhan geongayo

Geudaen dasin sarangeun haji marayo
Neomu nappeun saraminikka
Nal beorin geu daegaro haengbokhaji marayo
Baby i don’t like you i don’t like you
Dasi ondaedo naneun sirheoyo
Baby i don’t like you i don’t like you
Dora ondaedo naega sirheoyo
Geudaeneun cham motdoen saram geudaeneun cham nappeun saram

Eojjeomyeon ireokedo apayo sangcheohana eomneunde
Eojjeomyeon ireokedo sseuryeoyo dogeul samkin geotcheoreom
Geudaeneun cham motdwaetjyo geudaeneun cham nappeujyo
Sunjinhan nae sarangi geureoke jaemiisseonnayo
Haru jongil yokhago miwohago ijeun geotcheoreom
Jakku geureolsurok nunmulman nayo

Geudaen dasin sarangeun haji marayo
Neomu nappeun saraminikka
Nal beorin geu daegaro haengbokhaji marayo
Baby i don’t like you i don’t like you
Dasi ondaedo naneun sirheoyo
Baby i don’t like you i don’t like you
Dora ondaedo naega sirheoyo

Dara dara dalkomhan sarangui soksagimdo
Modu geojisingeol naman mollatjyo
Ajik eoryeoseo naege haetdeon maldeureul
Mideotdeon ge huhoega doeyo

Geudaeneun cham motdwaetjyo geudaeneun cham nappeujyo
Majimak gareuchyeojun sarangi nunmuringayo

Geudaebodan deo joheun saram mannaseo
Maeilmaeil utgo salgeyo
Meolliseo haengbokhan nal jikyeobomyeo sarayo
Baby i don’t like you i don’t like you
Dasi ondaedo naneun sirheoyo
Baby i don’t like you i don’t like you
Dora ondaedo naega sirheoyo

Ah oh oh oh du su su du ru su
Doraondaedo naega sirheoyo

Geudaeneun cham mot doen saram geudaeneun cham nappeun saram



 Hangeul:

친했던 친구들도 피하고
그대만 바라봤죠
안 해본 요리도 난 배우고
그대만 기다렸죠

그대는 참 못됐죠
그대는 참 나쁘죠
그대가 원하는 건 뭐든지
난 다 했었는데

하루 종일 울다가 웃었다가
미친 것처럼
이런 내 모습도 원한 건가요 oh

그댄 다신 사랑은 하지 말아요
너무 나쁜 사람이니까
날 버린 그 대가로 행복하지 말아요

Baby I don’t like you I don’t like you
다시 온대도 나는 싫어요
Baby I don’t like you I don’t like you
돌아 온대도 내가 싫어요

그대는 참 못된 사람
그대는 참 나쁜 사람

어쩌면 이렇게도 아파요
상처하나 없는데
어쩌면 이렇게도 쓰려요
독을 삼킨 것처럼

그대는 참 못됐죠 oh
그대는 참 나쁘죠 oh
순진한 내 사랑이 그렇게
재미있었나요

하루 종일 욕하고 미워하고
잊은 것처럼
자꾸 그럴수록 눈물만 나요 oh

그댄 다신 사랑은 하지 말아요
너무 나쁜 사람이니까
날 버린 그 대가로 행복하지 말아요

Baby I don’t like you I don’t like you
다시 온대도 나는 싫어요
Baby I don’t like you I don’t like you
돌아 온대도 내가 싫어요

달아 달아 달콤한 사랑의 속삭임도
모두 거짓인걸 나만 몰랐죠 oh oh
아직 어려서 내게 했던 말들을
믿었던 게 후회가 되요

그대는 참 못됐죠 oh
그대는 참 나쁘죠 oh
마지막 가르쳐준 사랑이 눈물인가요

그대보단 더 좋은 사람 만나서
매일매일 웃고 살게요
멀리서 행복한 날
지켜보며 살아요

Baby I don’t like you I don’t like you
다시 온대도 나는 싫어요
Baby I don’t like you I don’t like you
돌아 온대도 내가 싫어요

Ah oh oh oh du su su du ru su
돌아온대도 내가 싫어요

그대는 참 못 된 사람
그대는 참 나쁜 사람


Read more: http://www.kpoplyrics.net/juniel-bad-man-lyrics-english-romanized.html#ixzz2GyEheFVx
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Translation Credits: pop!gasa
Romanizations by: kpoplyrics.net